What makes a place feel like home?
Unpacking the values which bring me peace, energy, and belonging.
Sometimes I will step off a train and think, "I could live here." Other times I step out of a car and think, "The people here seem happy but the physical environment makes me want to vomit. Do they not realize they are standing in a parking lot?"
Lately, I’ve been unpacking these reactions, attempting to articulate what I’m really looking for in a place, and, ultimately, a home. I drafted a list of values that guide me. Without further ado, here’s my first draft.
If this were a workshop, we’d now break out into breakout groups where I’d anxiously pick at my fingernails while someone else confidently shared their thoughts and weekend plans. Instead, I’ll let my writing speak for itself. Tap tap tap. Is this thing on? Ahem.
Jones Beach’s “Don’t Keep up with the Jones” Beachhead
Connection to My Inner World
Time and space to reflect, dream, and create without external pressure, with access to calm, welcoming spaces such as quiet neighborhoods, coffee shops, or cozy home environments.
Engaging in activities that foster mental clarity and authentic self-expression, such as writing, coding, walking, journaling, or moments of silence.
Indoor and outdoor spaces at home that feel close to nature, with features like windows, patios, or access to greenery.
Minimal exposure to overstimulating, impersonal, or isolating environments.
A Supportive Social Environment
A close-knit circle of friends and connections built on kindness, mutual interest, and lighthearted humor.
Organic opportunities to meet others, develop meaningful relationships, and feel supported in personal and professional growth.
Regular interactions with familiar faces in spaces where friendships grow naturally and without pressure.
A Welcoming Cultural Vibe
A broader societal atmosphere that encourages friendliness, kindness, and thoughtfulness in everyday interactions.
Cultural norms which value a balanced pace of life over relentless productivity.
Physical Spaces with Mood and Character
A place that inspires introspection and creativity, with features like varied architecture, walkability, and a serene, moody atmosphere.1
Social Systems that Support Autonomy and Dignity
Accessible public transit, quality healthcare, and services that uphold the dignity of the individual.
A Sense of Adventure and Possibility
Space to pursue new experiences and explore places that inspire curiosity and a connection to unique systems and histories.
Engaging in community groups or activities when mentally and emotionally ready, with frictionless access to outdoor spaces that inspire exploration.
Chances to try new things—like gardening, swimming, or acting—as a way to foster connection and exploration, with no expectations of larger aspirations in a field.
Intellectual and Creative Stimulation
Connecting to something larger than myself through history, sense of place, and societal design.
Feeling grounded in the world around me, inspired by the unique character of a place.
Freedom and Autonomy
The ability to shape my own schedule and priorities, free from rigid structures or expectations.
A sense of agency over my environment and how I spend my time.
A Deeper Sense of Belonging
Feeling part of a place where I can be myself, find acceptance, and contribute meaningfully to the community through mentorship, collaboration, or shared experiences.
Knowledge that I’m working toward a life that aligns with my vision and brings purpose, meaning, and contentment.
If you’re thinking, “Wow, you really are over the big city,” that may be part of it! I wrote this list because I believe there’s more nuance here (and everywhere). I am tired of the isolation, hustle-culture, and niche social identities of the big city, but I am not over the walkability, architecture, social systems, and historical context. I’m not even necessarily over the ambition of the big city! I had just hoped there might be a few ambitious people who would treat me as something more than just a transaction. It would be easy for me to get off topic and just complain about the social dynamics of the big city, but I’m too self-aware to allow myself to stoop to that tripe.2 Editor: please redact this paragraph to make me look more optimistic.
After drafting this list, my spectrum brain couldn’t resist quantifying how these values played out in the places I’ve lived. Surprise! Another spreadsheet! I threw the results into my AI assistant for validation. It summarized the arc of my adult life with two sweeping statements:
Over time, I have gradually moved towards and created spaces that were more aligned with my values.
My time in the big city was stronger on social metrics before the pandemic and my autism diagnosis and stronger for inner peace after.
Eureka! All I needed was a piece of paper to say I was on the spectrum to find inner peace!
How much I should treat this rubric I just created on the fly as prescriptive is an open question. I don’t make yearly goals anymore (see the last 12 million paragraphs re: inner peace), but if I did, I might have one about “Keep experimenting with different cultures and living environments in an effort to rebuild a social life.” Where might those experiments be? This list leaves me wondering: is the in-between-ness I feel unique to the US, or is it a larger Western cultural issue? I’d be curious to hear how others see this from their own perspectives.
These questions about the cultures of places often leave me reflecting on the spaces where I’ve already felt at home. For the past two Thanksgivings, I have gone out to dinner with my two friends in my hometown. They may or may not be the inspiration for Matthew and Robin in Lake-Effect Coffee, Chapter 1, Lake-Effect Coffee, Chapter 2, or Lake-Effect Coffee, Chapter 3.
During those evenings, everything feels possible. I feel fun and confident with people who see me. We are in a friendly place. We laugh, we cry, we overact. Rather than the 2D patina of my big city life, I feel a part of society. For now, it’s one (suburban) night only, but it reminds me that the right environment, where I’m seen, connected, and part of something larger, is worth searching for.
Elsewhere
In addition to my writing here, I also mentor software engineers in a supportive and sometimes silly environment.
Typed integers in Rust for safer Python bytecode compilation - From Scratch Code
Britain in moderation yadda yadda yadda.
I’m considering writing a piece about how to make friends as an adult. The text will read: “No one knows, but they will tell you to join a club.” That’s not bad advice! But how many seasons do I need to play softball before someone on my wavelength joins the batting lineup? The title of that piece may be The Three Ayes Have it: How Identity, Industry, and Interest Groups Shape Post-College Socialization (for Those Without Kids or Dogs).
ok
are we????